I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
