I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
