This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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