new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
