So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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