can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I booty called her while she was in labor.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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