My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
