Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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