That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
