he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
