I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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