i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
