He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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