i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
