maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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