have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
we're making bets on your personal life
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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