I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
