i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
