I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
