She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
