did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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