last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
