Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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