I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You dont lie about slip and slides
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
