i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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