I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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