remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
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So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
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I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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