Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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