I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Rumble strips road head = magical
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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