watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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