he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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