If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
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He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
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Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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