I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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