is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
