So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
