apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
