he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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