Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
