if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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