i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
