it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's not a walk of shame if you run
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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