Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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