If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
