Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
