All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
