Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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