If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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