Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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