I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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