I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
