so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
