the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
