I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
