wake up i wanna do it froggy style
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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