Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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