I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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