That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
