Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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