my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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