I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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